22 months. 669 days. In the morning, in the afternoon, at night, and in the hours between bedtime and waking up we tend to forget about. At home, on the beach, at restaurants, in the car, and at friends’ houses. Football hold, laying down, in our rocker, and snuggled up. Without a single doubt, breastfeeding was one of the most challenging, demanding, and sometimes exhausting things I’ve ever done. But more importantly, it was the most rewarding and fulfilling things I have done as a mother.

Leading up to Millie’s birth, I remember one of my biggest anxiety was whether or not I could successfully breastfeed. Don’t get it twisted– I genuinely believe fed is best, but I was excited and looking forward to breastfeeding. I can still remember one of the nights I was super pregnant and basically cried tears of joy when I saw my first tiny drop of colostrum show up. I immediately texted my mom (and probably my cousin, Lyndsy, who I go to for my TMI questions) to let her know. 

Luckily, Millie and I connected literally instantly when it came to breastfeeding. Within seconds of me scooping her up after being delivered, she latched naturally the second she was on my chest. The immense joy and relief I felt at that moment (…and the joy of no longer being 42 weeks pregnant) was incredible. 

While I could easily write a blog post on breastfeeding, the absolute, most meaningful part of breastfeeding is the bond it created between Millie and me. The long nights of cluster feeding at the beginning were exhausting. But there were also beautiful moments between us– so quiet, dark, and oddly peaceful. Nothing to do, think about, or focus on besides the tiny wrinkles on her hands, the flutter of her eyelids as she dozed back to sleep, or the way she fit so perfectly in my single arm. When I started back at work, I cherished the time we spent in the morning before the chaos of the school day took me over and looked forward to our evenings back in the rocker, where I felt like I made up for time away. When she was sick, I found reassurance that I could give her some of myself to help fight the illness. 

And finally, above all else, I loved that it was “our space.” A space where we could be still and be quiet. A space where we were the only two (even if, in reality, we were in a crowded restaurant or out in public). A space where Millie knew she was safe and she was my only focus. A place where our connection was stronger than ever. 

Our journey wasn’t without challenges. I can recall more than a handful of times (most of the time when I was touched out, my nipples were raw, or when I was exhausted) where I silently swore that I would stop, but I kept going and going. Mostly because I think we both still needed it. Millie needed the nourishment and we both craved the connection. The nights I was creeping out of bed 2 or 3 times a night, and friends and family members would be shocked to hear Millie still wasn’t sleeping through the night. And, oh my lord, the number of people whose jaws dropped when I said I was still nursing after one year and the shame I felt over something that is freaking natural. 

I’ve said it before, and I’ll for sure say it again– mamas are absolute badasses. 

Here are a few things that made our journey a little bit easier:

1. Invest in a cozy blanket for your nursery chair or wherever you plan on nursing in the middle of the night (for me, that was my bed for the first seven months and then the chair in the nursery for the rest of the time). This also makes it easier to get out of bed to slide your little babe back into their sleeping place after nursing instead of getting tangled up in your bed sheets! 

2. Auden Nursing/Lounge Bras. The Kindred Bravely bras were just not the move for me. They felt super awkward and…large? The Auden ones felt way more similar to a normal bra and were easy to use for pumping or nursing. 

3. Frida Mom Insta Heat Packs! These things saaaaaaved me in the first few weeks when you really aren’t sure what the heck your boobs are doing when your baby unexpectedly sleeps through the night or skips a sesh. These are also great when pumping! 

4. Earth Mama Nipple Butter helped me out in the early days when my nipples were literally in shock, swollen, and achy. I would slap this stuff on like there was no tomorrow. 

5. Reusable Bamboo Boob Pads: Many unexpected leaks happen, and if these were SO much nicer and so much more comfortable to wear for everyday use than the disposable!
   
6. A kindle! There were so many nights I would fight to keep my eyes open in the pitch-black room with the relaxing white noise. Adjusting the light on the Kindle so I could read while nursing was a game changer.